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 -                                                                           -
 =                        A DLoC XMas - By Six of DLoC                       = 
 -                                                                           -
So it was 1995 or so, and I was working as a web designer for a company that
was trying to break into the upswing of the internet boom. (They shall remain
nameless) They had tons of $$$ backing them, so when they started shorting
the web dev staff, we found it doubly insulting. I was pretty disgruntled to
say the least, and the other guys were starting to talk about getting violent.
Anyway, they have this huge christmas party, booking two conference rooms
in this huge hotel. One they've got a massive punchbowl and wet-bar, finger
foods, etc..., with a ring of tables around a central open area (they were 
going to dance there). In the other room is the dining area, with all the
tables set up where everyone was going to eat.
The tables of course were set up by rank. We in the web dev staff were in fact
the core of the organization, and you'd think we would get treated like
royalty, but no, we were shoved into a corner, and treated like beggars at
the door. All the marketing staff and such had the primo spots/better
treatment. We were very insulted by this, so an idea came to mind....
One of the other web guys on staff happened to be Relworp/DLoC. He's probably
the sickest person I've ever met. We snuck into the second room while
everyone was starting dinner, and while I held the door, Relworp climbed on
the table and proceeded to shat in the massive punchbowl. "Shit on us, we
shit on you". It was hilarious. There were logs floating in that thing you
could have walked across. Dude must get plenty of fiber. For good measure, I 
pissed all over the finger foods.
We then fled the scene, and snuck back into the main room. One of the chicks
on the webdev staff had swiped a bottle of vodka from the wet-bar, so we all
proceeded to get shiatfaced and waited for the fireworks to begin. (Relworp
and I had not breated a word of our antics to anyone).
Dinner comes and goes, and we proceed to get drunker and drunker, until
finally the big moment arrives. The big dickhead bossman opens the double
doors to the other room, and people start meandering in. We just stayed put.
About 5 minutes later, I guess someone saw the punchbowl. I heard a scream,
followed by some choking sounds, followed by the sound of several people
screaming and vomiting. People started running out of the other room
clutching at their faces, and I think the boss's wife even started crying.
I made a point of going in the other room to investigate. The punchbowl
table was turned over, there were two big logs laying on the floor, and
there was puke all over the finger-food table.  Someone had stepped in shit
and tracked it all over the nice carpet.  The boss was sitting in a chair 
staring at the floor, and the hotel staff was PISSED.
 "What kind of sick mother-fucker would do something like this?", I demanded.
"I'm disgusted, and I'm leaving.  You people are filthy animals!", and with
that I left, trying desperately to keep my head from exploding.
So we all (the webdev staff) pissed off to a local bar, and the conversation
of the evening went like "Hey, who do you think shiat in the punchbowl?" "I
dunno, probably one of the marketing staff".   Relworp and I never fessed up,
but it took all we had not to piss ourselves laughing.  We'd finally shown
those bastards and gotten off scott-free.
And that's the story of the best Christmas party I ever attended. Oh yeah, 
Relworp got arrested for public intoxication, lewd behaviour, and indecent
exposure when he got stuck to a big brass statue of former president Garfield
in the park pretending to screw it later that night, but that's a story for
another time.
(Word to the wise: If you're going to pretend to hump a brass statue in 
-20 degree weather, keep your sweaty pecker in your pants.)

FOLLOWUP:  Several years later, I found the following message posted on a
message board about people's worst and best Christmas party stories.
Go figure....
It was 1996, and I was a senior VP at a web company that was set on breaking
into the internet boom. We had a lot of venture capital money behind us,
and were doing well, but one of the other VPs (marketing background) had
decided to start playing scrooge and screwed with the web development staff.
I disagreed and convinced the CEO we were treating them badly.
He agreed and decided to fix the problem at our Xmas party.
Our party had two conference rooms in this huge hotel. One had a massive
punchbowl and wet-bar, hors d'oeuvres, etc... and a large area where 
people were supposed to be dancing.  Of course the other room in question
was the dining room. This same VP that had shorted them had been in charge of
the party as well, so of course the web staff got stuck in the corner, near the
kitchen, and all the marketing staff and such had the primo spots/better
treatment. I could see that they were pissed (the web guys), but I knew they
had a great surprise in store for them. 
After the dinner, the plan was to move into the dance area, have a short
round of "company banter" and moral boosting stuff that is, of course,
obligatory, and then we had a surprise in store. I had arranged for each of
the web staff to recieve a $2000-$4000 bonus, with plaques, and thank them
for all their hard work and effort.
Unfortunately the whole thing went wrong. Someone snuck into the dance room,
and shat in the punchbowl. There were giant turds floating in it.  I was
reminded of that scene from the movie "Caddyshack" with the jaws music and
baby ruth bar.  (And, to add insult to injury, it looked like someone had
pissed all over the hors d'oeuvres.
Dinner comes and goes, anyway, until finally the big moment arrives. The
CEO opens the double doors to the other room, and people start wandering in.
The web developers, strangely, stay put. People start drinking punch 
(how they missed the turds I'll never know) and eating the food.
The bosses wife, unfortunately, does both. About 5 minutes later, we realized
what was in the punchbowl. The CEO's wife screams, others start heaving, and 
others scream and vomit. People started running out of the other room puking
and screaming like they'd been mauled by a bear, and I think Carol
(the CEO's wife) even started crying.
A little after it was discovered, several of the conference center staff
identified the (now extremely drunk) web staffers as the culprits. Of course,
they had all left by then, but that was pretty much it for their bonuses.
Pretty sad, if you ask me. I heard one of them even got arrested for trying to
fuck a statue in the park that same night.

 -             DLoC - Dark Lords of Chaos - We aren't very nice.             -
 =                 DLoC HQ: http://www.darklordsofchaos.com                  = 
 -                                                                           -
 - DLoC Members are:                                                         -
 =                  Six                                                      =
 -                  Pro Hack                                                 -
 =                  Relworp                                                  =
 -                  Loki                                                     -
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