Sunday, May 20, 2012 05:15

Stop Stealing My Beer!

April 12th, 2012

In my younger days, I was somewhat of a slacker. I much preferred drinking beer, getting high, and playing videogames to productive things like going to a real job. Because of this, I had to have roommates. They were fun to hang out with, but sometimes could be a real pain in the ass.

One particular set of roommates used to make themselves annoying by stealing my beer. I was the only one in the house with a job at all – not a real job, mind you, just running lights at a concert venue.  The problem was,  while I was at work, my bastard roommates would take my 40s from the refrigerator, and drink them.  Corner either of them and ask them who did it, they’d always blame the other.  Get them in the same room and ask them who did it, they’d blame some mysterious house-guest who may or may not have actually ever been there.

Now, I had limited options.   The electric in my room was already so taxed by computer equipment that I couldn’t put in my own fridge, and I worked until late into the night, well after they stopped selling beer. I tried buying my beer on the way to work, but this meant it would sit in the car all day and I had to drink warm beer.

If you’ve ever had to drink warm malt liquor, you know how much it resembles piss.  Skunky, bitter, it’s just awful – that’s some hobo shit right there.  I was so enraged by having to drink piss-warm beer that I hatched a plan. I decided that if I had to drink piss-warm beer, then my roommates would have to drink pissy beer as well.

That’s when I started refilling 40 ounce beer bottles. I’d drink about 20 ounces, and piss it full again. Then I’d put them in the refrigerator, and wait. I was sure that my roommates would take one drink and realize they were drinking piss, and never steal my beer again. However, the next day the beer was gone, and no-one seemed to have noticed that they were drinking beer that had been watered down with human excrement.

This went on for days, then weeks, then months. Every day I’d buy 4 40s on my way to work.  Every night I’d drink between 1/2 and 3/4 of each of them and fill them back up with piss. Every evening while I was at work, my lame-ass roommates would drink them. It would have continued for years until one fateful day…

My friend D came in to visit from Colorado, and brought a shitload of psilocybin mushrooms. I happened to be off from work that day, so he and I hung out eating mushrooms, drinking beer, playing playstation games and generally having a grand old time. Eventually he noticed me going into the bathroom with half-empty 40 bottles and coming back out with full bottles, and I had to explain myself.

D thought the whole piss-beer thing was the most hilarious thing he’d ever heard, so he did the same.  We spent that evening, high on mushrooms, drinking 40s, pissing them full again, and putting them in the fridge downstairs.

The next day, I got up and went to work as usual.  It was a pretty standard day, I don’t remember much about it, but it was work, so I’m pretty sure it sucked.  It wasn’t until I arrived home that evening, and found the front door wide open that I began to suspect something was wrong.

As I entered the living room, I noticed all of the furniture had been overturned.  There was vomit…everywhere.  I could hear someone quietly weeping under the overturned couch.  One of my roommates was standing on the mantle of the fireplace, wearing a football helmet and nothing else – not a good look for him.

“Get out of the lava!” he screamed, eyes like pools of blackness.  He looked like one of those hokey vampires in a b-movie, only all beardy, scrawny, and naked.

Now, I don’t know about you, but when I’m confronted by a naked man screaming about lava, the only possible course of action in my mind is to leave, as quickly as possible.   So I did – I figured they’d gotten ahold of some bad acid or something and I’d camp out on one of my friends’ couches until it all blew over.   Then I noticed the bottles.  All around the living room were my beer bottles from the previous night’s piss-fest, some empty, some half-empty, some spilled on the floor.

Laughing, I gathered up the bottles, deposited them in the garbage, emptied the ones from the fridge, locked the front door, and left.

That day I learned two things.   First, D and I have a super-human tolerance for hallucinogens, having partaken of them heavily since our early teenage years.  Second, the psychoactive component of mushrooms is passed through the body completely unchanged.  So my roommates had gotten the mushroom trip of 10 lifetimes by drinking my piss-40s.

After that, I figured I’d made my point.  And my roommates – they came down, eventually – never did steal my beer again.

FUCK Rand Paul, FUCK the TSA/DHS, and FUCK Politiots.

January 23rd, 2012

So today’s big headline that has people foaming at the mouth is this: Reuters

To summarise, senator Rand Paul set off the scanner at an airport, then refused to be searched.  He was not allowed to continue into the secured area of the airport.  He had to wait, book a second flight, return to security, and be scanned again (he passed this time, having gotten rid of whatever it was he used to set the scanner off the first time.)

Now, everyone knows full well how I feel about the TSA.  Adding more fucking cops to our national equation has never been the answer to anything.  They’re an inept pack of power-mad assholes who should be disbanded.  The entire TSA amounts to corporate welfare in the first place.  Why is it a public responsibility to secure the airlines, a private industry?

However, a Democrat is in the White House, so you know this means that anything done by any government stooge anywhere is somehow the direct responsiblity of the president, and he must be impeached now now now, right?  Never mind that it was the Bush administration that brought us the TSA in the first place, and their counterpart, the fucking DHS assholes who spend all their time making sure migrant workers aren’t smoking weed.   But I digress…

Why exactly is it that Paul, upon refusing to be searched, was not immediately beaten to a shitty pulp, tazed in the butthole, bitten in the groin by police dogs, dragged to some small room somewhere, and forcibly searched?  That’s exactly the sequence of events that would have occurred if any normal person (not a Senator) were to do the same thing.  I myself was forced to REMOVE MY FUCKING PRINCE ALBERT PIERCING AT THE RENO AIRPORT IN FRONT OF A WHOLE LINE OF PEOPLE because I set off the scanner.  Yet this asshole can set it off, refuse a search, and doesn’t get a fist up his shitter for the trouble?  Fuck!  You or I would have been arrested for inciting panic or causing a public menace or whatever other bullshit law they use to fuck around people who don’t comply with the machine.  Yet this fucking prick walks away and just takes another flight.

Now, you would think that Paul would realise that he managed to avoid anal electrocution and violation by virtue of his social status, STFU about the whole thing, and go on with life.  But, of course, this is fucking America, where everyone has shit for brains, so instead it’s a CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS!!!!!!!11111111

So yes, the US constitution says that you can’t detain a congressman on his way to session.  However, it says nothing about allowing them to waltz through airport security after they set off a scanner.  Of course, the Paul camp is claiming that not allowing him to continue to the secured area of the airport, they were “detaining” him.  This is a hell of a stretch, but let’s look at it for a moment.  This asshole is claiming that because a private business (the airport) didn’t bend its rules to allow him to do what he wanted, despite the fact that they’re legally required NOT to bend those rules, his rights have somehow been violated.

I’ve got a reality check for you, Rand.  If I did the same thing you did this morning, I wouldn’t be here to post on this blog.  I’d still be getting “interrogated” by DHS jackboots, probably on my way to some detention facility where I would be reminded that “fist” can sometimes be a verb.

The real fucking travesty here is that Paul didn’t get the same treatment that the rest of us would have.  Worse, a bunch of fucktards are actually pissed that he couldn’t just walk right onto the plane anyway.  Do you assholes really desire a fucking aristocracy so desperately that you’d elevate some asshole SENATOR above the laws he helps inflict on the rest of us?

Now I hate the fucking TSA, yeah.  Everyone already knew that.  And I fucking DESPISE Rand Paul because he’s an aristocratic prick who supports corporate welfare but opposes social spending.  Now I have one more to add to the list:  I’m sick as fuck of idiots who are so desperate to support some fucking political party or person that they buy completely 100% into whatever pure horseshit that party or person spews. Politiots, all of them, and they render their opinions irrelevant with their blind idiotic acceptance.

Rand Paul’s an asshole, and I believe he did something deliberately to set off that scanner so he’d have a chance to grandstand and get some publicity.  The only tragedy here is that he didn’t suffer the same fate as any of the rest of us would have for doing the same thing.  Fuck him, and fuck everyone like him.  I hope they all choke on piss in hell.

Citi has customers arrested

October 19th, 2011

This is what happens when you attempt to withdraw your money from Citibank as a means of “protest”:

http://anonops.blogspot.com/2011/10/occupy-wall-street-protesters-arrested.html

Google blacklist

September 24th, 2010

Google’s policing naughty words and thoughts now?  I suppose this hardly makes them evil, since they don’t have any obligation to allow any particular content on their system (how much did you pay Google for that search?)  Nonetheless, it’s interesting to see what did and didn’t make the blacklist:

http://www.2600.com/googleblacklist/

Alright, then.

October 15th, 2009

Darklordsofchaos.com is now online.